Today, for National Coming Out Day, I need to tell you some great news that many of you already know: I'm gay. Probably no surprise there, especially if I told you or if you've payed any attention to my social media. However, I don't want you to be fooled by a simple label. There's much more to my identity than those three letters: g-a-y. I'm a tattooed, gay, vegetarian Mormon, among a plethora of other things. But I must say that my gay Mormon identity is a big, BIG, fabulous part of my identity... one that definitely doesn't fit in a closet.
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This morning I did a quick Google search on what kind of year 2015 is supposed to be. The UN has declared 2015 both the Year of Light and the Year of Soil. Two random online evangelical preachers have pegged 2015 as the Year of Restoration and the Year of Open Doors. I also found an organization that has labeled 2015 the Year of Evaluation. Needless to say, there have been high hopes for 2015. I couldn't help but get a little emotional as I found each of these declarations because there was an intimate and personal connection I instantly felt with each of them. But before I get into that, let me rewind to earlier this year.
In January, I honestly felt that this would be my last year alive. I was in a deep, dark depression. I had lost my faith. I cried out to an Unknown Being every day for a fatal car crash or freak accident. I was at the end of my rope and losing grip. Two thousand fifteen was going to be the Year of Escape and the Year of Rest In Peace for Peter. Death seemed like the only safe route for me. It was a scary place to be in.
Turns out, 2015 was destined more for the Year of Light and the Year of Soil. For sake of time and energy, I am going to spare you the miraculous details of how I arrived to one fateful day in February. I was sitting in my bedroom watching a movie called The Normal Heart (in my bedroom because I was a scared, closeted, gay kid watching a movie about gay people and gay issues, obviously). As I watched this movie, I felt Light. I felt God. I felt an overwhelming sense of identity. I felt God affirm my gay identity in a way that I have never felt God affirm anything in my life. I sat on my bed, sobbing in the arms of a loving Father in Heaven. HE LOVES ME. Every part of me. While watching this wonderful, gay movie, God told me that He made me this way for a reason. That "neither hath [I] sinned, nor [my] parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in [me]." (John 9:3) Filled with His Light, I "came out" to myself and fully embraced this beautiful and sacred part of my identity - the part of my identity that I spent my whole life suppressing and hiding and trying to get rid of. "What God hath cleansed, that call not thou common." (Acts 10:15) I felt whole. I felt genuine. I felt grounded. Light burning inside me while I finally planted my feet in the soil of authenticity on the path that God intended for me all along. Year of Light and Soil, indeed.
Turns out, 2015 was destined for the Year of Restoration and the Year of Open (Closet) Doors. In the weeks and months that followed, my spirituality was at a new high - a restoration, if you will. I "came out of the closet" to my parents, my siblings, my close friends, my bishop, and many others. The love I received was incredible and overwhelming. I can't thank you enough for your positive responses. Coming out to my parents, I heard, "this part of your identity is sacred," and "how can I help and support you?" My siblings loved me and continue to show that love by asking questions for understanding. My bishop was ecstatic and encouraging.
For some, I sent a video. Others, face to face. I went to LDS LGBT conferences and firesides and "family home evenings." Doors were opening to where I could be comfortable with who I was, and it was such a special, sacred experience. I have finally been able to be my genuine self, and it feels great. My confidence was restored. My faith was restored. Who would have thought that coming out as gay would bring me CLOSER to God.
Turns out, 2015 was destined for the Year of Evaluation. So often we assume that gay people can't be religious (especially not Mormon). I quickly found myself in two worlds that are seemingly polar opposites with a vast battleground stretched across it's divide. The Mormon culture doesn't want me to be gay and the LGBT community doesn't want me to be LDS. I once again found myself in tears as I prayed to my loving Heavenly Father for understanding. I needed help evaluating where I belong and where God wants me to go. He kept telling me that "it is not good that man should be alone." (Genesis 2:18) I turned to my patriarchal blessing, which told me that, "the Lord will bless [me] when it comes time to find a companion (not "wife") to go to the temple (not "marry for time and all eternity")." Repeatedly, I received spiritual witnesses that, while God wants me to stay as close as I can to the Church, I need to pursue a husband. I was confused, since the Church teaches contrary to what God was telling me. Then I was led to a talk by Elder Oaks. He taught, "As a General Authority, I have the responsibility to preach general principles... There are exceptions. ... I only teach general rules. Whether an exception applies to you is your responsibility. You must work that out individually between you and the Lord. The Prophet Joseph Smith taught this same thing in another way. When he was asked how he governed such a diverse group of Saints, he said, 'I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves.'" (Dating verses Hanging Out, June 2006 Ensign) So, God wants me to find a husband, despite what the Church teaches. Got it. To be completely honest with you, this terrifies me. Not because I have commitment issues (serious commitment issues), but because I know that most, if not all, of my LDS friends and acquaintances will not believe that this personal revelation is from God. It breaks my heart. Alas, I look forward to the day that I can go to church with my husband and worship my Heavenly Father and thank Him for bringing us together. I hope and pray that my LDS brothers and sisters (and LGBT community) will look at this union as a sacred connection between two of His children and not as an abomination. So, perhaps 2015 is not simply a Year of Evaluation for me, but for all of us as we strive to understand the will of God and His love.
So, there you have it: 2015 is the Year of Light, Soil, Restoration, Opening Doors, Evaluation. Two thousand fifteen is the Year of Change; of Growth; of Understanding. I look forward to the day that people no longer need to pray for the Year of Escape and can see the Year of Light. I pray that churches can be a safe harbor for everyone to worship and that we can all feel welcome. May we replace judgment and resentment with charity, love, and understanding. It took 27 long, painful years of my life to accept this part of my God-given identity, and I sincerely hope it doesn't take that long for you to do the same.
Yours in faith and love,
Peter Moosman
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*My testimony and prayer - from a Facebook post I wrote earlier this year*
I am grateful for a sincere and caring God who gives us the opportunity to experience the overwhelming power of love and the agency to pursue it. I thank Him for helping me see His plan for me and hope that I can have the courage and confidence in myself to pursue that plan - despite the painful opposition that lays ahead.
Now, more than ever, I am able to see that love is real and sacred. That God is more affirming of that love than His children or His Church. That the purpose of this life is to experience that love and express that love. And that love is best expressed in companionship, marriage, and family.
My heart is full for the opportunities now awarded to all to feel the Divine in their lives as they make commitments to one another to join in love and faith. My heart aches for those who are blinded from seeing that people can be sent down sacred paths that differ from their own. Lastly, my heart is full of hope that one day Christlike empathy will win. That everyone will arrive to that holy space of charity and unconditional love that supersedes judgment and hatred, so that we can all discover that everyone deserves to love and be loved - that love, and the expression thereof, is not sin. Love is of God.
My heart is full for the opportunities now awarded to all to feel the Divine in their lives as they make commitments to one another to join in love and faith. My heart aches for those who are blinded from seeing that people can be sent down sacred paths that differ from their own. Lastly, my heart is full of hope that one day Christlike empathy will win. That everyone will arrive to that holy space of charity and unconditional love that supersedes judgment and hatred, so that we can all discover that everyone deserves to love and be loved - that love, and the expression thereof, is not sin. Love is of God.