Ten Months Later, or, To Share Or Not To Share

It's crazy to think that the last time I posted on my blog was ten months ago. Life was terribly different back then as compared to today - though many of those around me will not recognize the difference in me, my life, or anything else for that matter.

But things are pretty different.

My current feeling goes something like this: a blend of fear, anxiety, excitement, and childish giddiness are burning in my chest, while my stomach turns with a sense of hunger and stirred butterflies. I want to smile. I want to laugh. I want to cry and throw up a little bit. But, I want to talk to someone about the great things of life and the joys of Jesus and the intense aloneness I have felt in the past.

I want to share it all.

And then, of course, that leads me to a greater fear that my words will fall on ears closed and boarded up, a mind unable to understand the excitement and absurdity that is my life. 

The reel-to-reel in my mind plays it out perfectly. I dish it out on fancy plates with silver spoons. It's devoured - with the guest begging for a recipe and the intricacies its existence! And the giddy fear with a side of excitement and a glass of anxiety are no longer kept to myself, but has been consumed and absorbed by someone else. Mutual confusion, euphoria, and honest terror of what the future brings. 

The experience is one for the record books, let me tell you!

The performance in my mind enhances the previous emotions to the point where I am comparable to a teenybopper who just got backstage to her heartthrob's concert.

Yet, without fail, the fear of a miscalculated sentence or a fatefully closed mind overcomes the delight of the played and replayed scene.

What is a troubled soul to do?

If it was anyone else sharing this experience to me, I would be ecstatic to say, "Go for it! What is there even to question!?" But, since it is me who has to do the talking, the faith has yet to overcome the fear.

On a lighter note...

My life is incredible. Aside from the battle waging in my heart and soul as described above, things are going pretty perfectly. I am overcoming odds and challenging systems. And, as cliché as it may sound, The Man Upstairs is all to blame.

If you would have compared the Me of June 6, 2012 to the Me of June 19, 2012, we would be doppelgängers on the outside, but antonyms within. I guess you could say that Who I've Been has claimed vengeance on Who I Am, so that Who I'll Be can rise to fruition. It's like a Hollywood blockbuster. For real. Maybe we could call it September Came.

There is something to be learned in His wise words: "Pray always, that you may come off conqueror." (D&C 10:5) "...Lift up your heads, and rejoice, and put your trust in God..." (Mosiah 7:19) "...Walk in my statutes, and keep my commandments, and do them..." (Leviticus 26:3)

Call it snake oil, call it placebo, call it the Truth of the Universe. Whatever you want to call it, it works more than you would ever begin to imagine. Go ahead, give it a shot. I triple dog dare you.

Confused yet? Good.

PS: Ecstaticism isn't a word. I tried.

The Vagabond Tour, or, My Life is About to Change Drastically

G'day.

The name's Peter. But you may already know that. I just hopped on to tell you a story about life - my life to be exact. It is an interesting one, and it is about to get a whole lot more interesting. Let me begin.


Hit the rewind button and we are taken back to March-ish. Around this time, I decided that I was going to go on an "extravagant vacation." I wanted to be a beach bum in Florida for a couple months. No responsibility, no due dates, no commitments. Just me, the beach, and... well... me. I distinctly remember mapping out my first draft of my trip on April 2nd. I spent the next month or so dreaming of the possibilities as I traveled the country. The risks, the excitement, and the memories made. I think a good word to describe me at this time was "giddy."

About the second week into May, my mind began to be uneasy about the trip. Not because it was unsafe or unwise to do it, but something I couldn't really describe. Just a simple uneasiness. I prayed a whole lot for direction to know what was needing to happen - whether I should cancel my trip, or plan something else... I wasn't sure! All I was sure of was that I felt God calling me to do something different.

I don't remember the date, but late one night, I couldn't really sleep. My mind had been racing about a bunch of random things. One of those things was how I was being a selfish person for spending so much time and money on this trip for no reason other than I WANTED TO... The next thing I know, I am googling information on Mother Teresa. I found a movie online about her and decided to watch it...

It starts with her as a nun in Calcutta, India. One day, she begins to feel that she should be doing something more... She eventually left her abbey to serve the poor. The rest of her life was dedicated to humanitarian efforts and the betterment of those suffering.

Needless to say, I shed a few tears and had A LOT on my mind. My mind was racing even more than it was earlier! I could no longer go on a vacation. I just could not be that selfish... God wanted me to know that I should be doing something else. I contemplated what that "something else" was for a while after that. It was driving me crazy! Should I donate all the money to a certain cause? Should I put my money into bettering my situation (education, work, etc.) so that I could help with something greater down the road? The praying didn't stop as I tried to figure out what God wanted me to do with my time and money.

One day, I get a little package in the mail. It was the long awaited Tony Bracelet + DVD from Invisible Children. I had been waiting for this for a while now [I had even called Invisible Children a couple times about it]. That night, I popped the DVD in my computer and began watching.

This documentary had a few stories within it. First, it summed up the efforts of Invisible Children and the history of the war going on in Central Africa. Second, it told the story of a man named Tony, whom has been tied to Invisible Children since the very beginning. Lastly, it told of a man named Nate Henn. Nate was a volunteer for Invisible Children. He quit his job and put his life on hold for roughly a year to travel across the US and spread the message of Invisible Children. While on tour, he was able to develop great friendships with Tony and others from Uganda. Well after the tours had ended and Tony had gone back to Uganda, Nate had the opportunity to go to Africa to see his friends. While there, he was caught in a terrorist bombing and was killed.

As the movie ended, I fought through my tears to face the answer that I had prayed for: I need to go on tour: The Vagabond Tour. I revised my trip to hit more major cities, and less of my vacation destinations. I started to create a vision for my summer, in which I would spend each day promoting a cause that can change and save lives. That, I feel, is what God is calling me to do this summer.

Most days, I will be sleeping in my car, eating at the mercy of others, and hopefully sparking a new light in the lives of complete strangers. I will be offering free hugs and thoughtful conversation, I will be showing Invisible Children DVDs as much as I can, and learning A LOT about myself and this huge community that I am wrapped up in. I hope to make a lot of friends along the way, experience a new life, and learn what God wants me to learn from this.

What better way to spend a month of my life? Lets take liberation to a whole new level. See you on the road!

[The Vagabond Tour 2011 is dedicated to Kyle Hutchings and Nate Henn. Their passion for life and service lives on.]

[Name Unavailable for the Sake of the Reader]

I have been here before.

Same thoughts.

Same emotions.

Same expletives.

Well, maybe different expletives.

This time, more intensive.

When I say I wanna escape,

Words can't describe

The direction.

The rapidity.

The destination.

Needless to say,

Who I've been hates who I am.

Who I've been hates who I am.

Discover the paradox displayed.

Thoughts.

Emotions.

Direction.

Destination.

Decipher the obvious or let me be.

Influence

So I promised that I would share with you my superpower [the one I don't already have...].

Maybe it is a really good idea, and maybe it is not, but nonetheless: I want the superpower to be able to allow or disallow any outside influence into my life. What I mean by this is that I want to be able to decide how I am influenced. Right now, everything I see and hear, do and don't do, influences who I am. How people/society/earthlings act towards one another, themselves, et al. Even supernatural forces influence me and my blessed subconscious. For better or for worse, I am a sponge. We are all sponges. Yeah, I said that.

Now, Imagine with me being 100% conscious of EVERY ounce of influence you obtain. I choose, you choose. Timshel. Now, don't get me wrong, I get to choose how I react to certain situations and I get to choose how I respond to people. But try to deny that we are all slaves to our habits. Habits control us. Oft times we are influenced without us even realizing, until down the road we catch ourselves doing the very act. Habit-ed / Addicted.

Or what about the influence of mass media and/or society. A lot of times I think I am my own individual, but then I turn around and see a handful of other people sporting the same style, listening to the same music. Was it my own individuality that decided to act or dress a certain way, or was it subconsciously embedded into my thought process. Woah.

Sleep on that one.

---

Before I sign off (after all, it is midnight...), I just want to say one more thing. Today, we finished off interviews for the Senate. We got some stellar new senators. Unfortunately, we had to turn away a lot of stellar students that would have been stellar senators. Luckily for me, I had the opportunity to make the calls to break the news... Talk about one of the worse experiences. Ever. I hate the fact that I have to turn people away from learning and growing opportunities. Even more terrible: I had to tell someone face to face that they were no longer a senator (after a year of service). Regardless of who was in the right, it has proven to be one of the WORSE EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE. It is one thing to call up a stranger on the phone to tell them that they didn't make the position, but it is a whole different game telling a friend, face to face, that they need to pursue different opportunities. Bah. 

To top off the night, I just spent over 5 minutes trying to figure out which would be proper english in the sentences above: "worse" or "worst." I am still unsure! Who came up with this language, anyway?! 

A Red Medicine Wheel is Afoot, Among Other Things.

Some of you will read this post as a nice view of various symbols. Others may see a deeper meaning on the choice of symbols presented. Either way, I hope we all grow a little more by the end. 

Each symbol explained has a special significance to me. I hope this is an effective way to present the information, and I hope that understanding will be achieved through my efforts.

[Words italicized are personal commentaries]

The Medicine Wheel

"The world and its peoples are but a huge wagon wheel, an eternal circle traversed by several spokes. The spokes represent various peoples and [cultures] of the world, each unique unto itself, yet none more important than another. None can be lengthened, none can be shortened, and none can be removed, because each spoke is necessary for the wheel to turn. Each people and each [culture] are necessary for the whole.
"Yet all spokes are united at the wheel's hub by the pervasive Maker, who is shared and touched by all. Though perhaps conceived of differently by each spoke, the Maker nevertheless remains fundamental to the wheel's support and movement."

"In conformity with the wagon wheel symbolism, the spokes of the wheel should remain distinct. The Apsaalooke [Crow] envision themselves as unique from the Cheyenne, just as the Cheyenne are unique from non-indians. Each people has been given its own gifts... Each individual is recognized for his or her unique attributes, for the gifts that are his or hers alone. These distinctions should be maintained, for the strength of the entire wheel depends on the integrity of each of its parts."

- Imagine a world where people were encouraged to be themselves. To cherish who they are and what they have to offer this world; to respect others and their talents, abilities, and attributes. Each person has a sacred story to tell. When we disregard our own stories, or the stories of others, the integrity of the wheel [or community/society/nation/world] is weakened. Take a moment to recognize your gifts, unique attributes and character, your history. Write them down. Cherish them. Share them.
The Maker is just that: a maker. We were made to be unique, not to fit into a common mold. Break the mold and let your light shine.

"A choice is made. A consequence awaits. As a "Hub" each individual acts upon the world, choosing a course of action, and creating a path. The very words one chooses help to bring the path about. Medicine can be directed to cure or "to take the arm." A name can nurture or cripple. As a story is being told, a listener can become part of Burnt Face's adventure, or elect not to listen. A choice is made. A consequence awaits."

- We choose our fate. We choose our path. Imagine the power that lies in those truths. We have been given the opportunity to choose - timshel. What we choose will have an eternal impact on the world, and it is up to us whether it will be a positive impact or a negative one.

- The Medicine Wheel is essentially a call for balance. Balance in all things:
     - Emotional, Spiritual, Mental, Physical
     - Body, Spirit, Earth, Animals
     - Education, Work, Personal, Spiritual
- Balance does not mean equal time given to each aspect, but is, instead, a healthy connection to each. 

The Circle


"The Oglala believe the circle to be sacred because the Great Spirit caused everything in nature to be round except stone. Stone is the implement of destruction. The sun and the sky, the earth and the moon are round like a shield, though the sky is deep like a bowl. Everything that breathes is round like the body of a man. Everything that grows from the ground is round like the stem of a tree. Since the Great Spirit has caused everything to be round, mankind should look upon the circle as sacred for it is the symbol of all things in nature except stone... It is also the symbol of a year. The day, the night, and the moon go in a circle above the sky. Therefore the circle is a symbol of the divisions of time and hence the symbol of all time."

- The circle is a great symbol. The symbol of eternity and time. A reminder to use your time wisely and carefully. It is a symbol of life. To cherish it and to make the most of it. To not take life when unnecessary, and to serve life when able.
- The circle has no edges, and is thus symbolic of a perfected life: the ultimate goal. To become well rounded in all things, to be unified, to smooth all rough edges, and to become what God wants us to become.
- Essentially, the symbolism of the circle is too far-reaching to be explained here.


The Color Red


- Red is symbolic of many things:
     - Courage / Strength
     - Sacrifice
          - Remember the principle and doctrine of the Great Sacrifice of our Savior Jesus Christ. He made it possible for us to find eternal happiness and salvation. His sacrifice was a vital example for us to live by, teaching us the importance of love, peace, and charity. A reminder for me to sacrifice wants and desires for a greater good.
     - Emotion
          - It is ok to display emotion. Real men care.
     - Power
     - Passion
     - Fire
          -  The concept of fire is important to me. The smallest of flames has the potential to cause a great change - consuming entire forests - and, if left alone, could consume continents. I don't share this to portray the destructive quality of fire, but rather to show that with the light (or "flame") within us, we have the potential to change the world. As small and insignificant we seem to be, we can actually have a major impact on the course of history. 
          - "Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." - Matthew 5: 14-16
     - Life / Health
     - Blood
          - Let the truths, beliefs, and values that I hold flow through my veins just as the very blood within me. As I do so, they will act as a life-source, giving me strength and power.

The Foot


- The foot was symbolic for me in the concept of a pathway, a way of life. Just as the truths and values should flow through my veins, I should strive to daily walk in that path: the path of those things mentioned above. I should STAND my ground in defense of those things as well. STAND tall for those things I believe, for balance, courage, change, etc.


The Color White


- The most obvious symbolism of this color is that of purity and cleanliness. A constant need for rebirth and renewal. A reminder that the past can be forgotten and forgiven.
- Other symbolic attributes that pertain to this post are as follows:
     - Peace
     - Life
          - Through Christ, all shall live again. Also, a symbol and reminder to always value life, and to live life to the fullest.
          - Live and let live. Nobody has the same understanding/attitude/ideology toward certain things. Just as you would wish that others respect your opinions, respect theirs.
     - Healing
          - Not only physical healing, but emotional and spiritual healing as well. 
- All of these meanings are intertwined to sum up a concept.


The Wrist


- The wrist is one of the most common places to test one's pulse. With that said, it can represent life. [See "Life" under "The Color White"]


Remember


- For significance, click HERE.

Alas, I will close. I hope this was a beneficial read for you. If you have any questions, please let me know. I apologize for the series of lengthy posts...

With this, I close mine epistle on symbols.

Timshel

My mind has been racing NON-STOP today. Spirituality, life-paths, school, and the like have all taken a turn deep underneath this nasty mop of hair on my cranium.

I shall start with the obvious: School starts tomorrow. I am both excited an nervous. Excited for what the future will bring me this semester; nervous for the responsibilities and changes that will take place throughout and at its close. You see, I am taking some (hopefully) great classes:

- American Sign Language 2010

- Human Biology

- Native American Culture

- Native American Literature & Experience

Despite the greatness of most of these classes, this is my last semester before I graduate... Then I am kinda lost on what to do. I guess we will play it by ear for a while, eh?

---

Spirituality. My favorite thing ever. It is what drives me (or kicks my butt when I am not driving). I really need to get back to where I was on my mission. It will be hard, but hey, this is the year of the Rabbit! THIS IS MY YEAR!

Anyway... The other day I read East of Eden. And when I say that I read East of Eden, I really read a two-page summary out of the Great American Bathroom Book. It was mediocre at best. BUT something really got me thinking... Timshel.

Lets go back... Way back.

So there is a little family: Adam, Eve, children. Sound familiar? Two of the kids, Cain and Abel, make offerings to God. Abel's is accepted, Cain's is not. Then God asks Cain,

"If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? And if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him." (vs. 7)

Now God mentions that he shall rule over sin. Some may interpret "thou shalt" as a promise that all men will conquer sin.

Next, we have the American Standard Version. Instead of "thou shalt rule over him," it has "do thou rule over it." This implies a commandment; an order from God. I think that this is a tad bit closer to what is correct, seeing as we are commanded to do many things. Yet, though we are commanded to do something, we are of the flesh - we are human. It is impossible in our state to succeed in such a feat as to completely rule over sin. In this case, we may find ourselves bargaining with God that "what you gave us was too hard. We were just incapable, so how could we even begin to try?"

OK, enough of me trying to make sense: I quote Steinbeck's East of Eden, 

"I wondered what the original word of the original writer had been that these very different translations could be made...

"Well, it seemed to me that the man who could conceive this great story would know exactly what he wanted to say and there would be no confusion in his statement...

"The American Standard translation orders men to triumph over sin, and you can call sin ignorance. The [KJV] makes a promise in 'Thou shalt,' meaning that men will surely triumph over sin. But the Hebrew word, the word timshel - 'Thou mayest' - that gives a choice. It might be the most important word in the world. That says the way is open. That throws it right back on a man. For if 'Thou mayest' - it is also true that 'Thou mayest not...

"Now, there are millions in their sects and churches who feel the order, 'Do thou,' and throw their weight into obedience. And there are millions more who feel predestination in 'Thou shalt.' Nothing they may do can interfere with what will be.  But 'Thou mayest!' Why, that makes a man great, that gives him stature with the gods, for in his weakness and filth and his murder of his brother he still has a great choice. He can choose his course and fight through and win."

[emphasis added]

So, here we are... in the 21st century, full of agency and consequences. This whole idea of timshel has kept me thinking... Though I have done a lot of stupid things (especially lately), and though I cannot choose the consequences of them, I can essentially choose my course and fight through and win.

2 Nephi 2:27

"Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto  man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.

I wish I had more to say myself, instead of quoting others. But I can't. All I can say is that the ball is in my court [and yours]. We get to make the choices. For too long I have been making the wrong choices, but I am ready to make the change. 

Timshel, y'all.

[P.S. - One of the best bands - ever - wrote an AMAZING song called Timshel. Check it out: Timshel, by Mumford & Sons]