Ten Months Later, or, To Share Or Not To Share

It's crazy to think that the last time I posted on my blog was ten months ago. Life was terribly different back then as compared to today - though many of those around me will not recognize the difference in me, my life, or anything else for that matter.

But things are pretty different.

My current feeling goes something like this: a blend of fear, anxiety, excitement, and childish giddiness are burning in my chest, while my stomach turns with a sense of hunger and stirred butterflies. I want to smile. I want to laugh. I want to cry and throw up a little bit. But, I want to talk to someone about the great things of life and the joys of Jesus and the intense aloneness I have felt in the past.

I want to share it all.

And then, of course, that leads me to a greater fear that my words will fall on ears closed and boarded up, a mind unable to understand the excitement and absurdity that is my life. 

The reel-to-reel in my mind plays it out perfectly. I dish it out on fancy plates with silver spoons. It's devoured - with the guest begging for a recipe and the intricacies its existence! And the giddy fear with a side of excitement and a glass of anxiety are no longer kept to myself, but has been consumed and absorbed by someone else. Mutual confusion, euphoria, and honest terror of what the future brings. 

The experience is one for the record books, let me tell you!

The performance in my mind enhances the previous emotions to the point where I am comparable to a teenybopper who just got backstage to her heartthrob's concert.

Yet, without fail, the fear of a miscalculated sentence or a fatefully closed mind overcomes the delight of the played and replayed scene.

What is a troubled soul to do?

If it was anyone else sharing this experience to me, I would be ecstatic to say, "Go for it! What is there even to question!?" But, since it is me who has to do the talking, the faith has yet to overcome the fear.

On a lighter note...

My life is incredible. Aside from the battle waging in my heart and soul as described above, things are going pretty perfectly. I am overcoming odds and challenging systems. And, as cliché as it may sound, The Man Upstairs is all to blame.

If you would have compared the Me of June 6, 2012 to the Me of June 19, 2012, we would be doppelgängers on the outside, but antonyms within. I guess you could say that Who I've Been has claimed vengeance on Who I Am, so that Who I'll Be can rise to fruition. It's like a Hollywood blockbuster. For real. Maybe we could call it September Came.

There is something to be learned in His wise words: "Pray always, that you may come off conqueror." (D&C 10:5) "...Lift up your heads, and rejoice, and put your trust in God..." (Mosiah 7:19) "...Walk in my statutes, and keep my commandments, and do them..." (Leviticus 26:3)

Call it snake oil, call it placebo, call it the Truth of the Universe. Whatever you want to call it, it works more than you would ever begin to imagine. Go ahead, give it a shot. I triple dog dare you.

Confused yet? Good.

PS: Ecstaticism isn't a word. I tried.

Update Overload?

Its me again. I am finding that it is hard to stay consistently busy for every waking hour (especially when you stink and are all sticky and gross). Since it has been a challenge to stay busy, I am gracing those who actually read this with another update.

Day 12 - July 22:
Well, I found a place to stay last night, but had to be out by 5:30am. Something is better than nothing, right?!
Since I up so early, I went over to the beach and tried to sleep there for a bit. Harder than I thought! Beaches are hard... and sandy!
When I couldn't "rest" anymore, I got up and started walking down the beach, picking up any trash I could find - finishing when I realized I hadn't eaten breakfast and my stomach was hungry.
After breakfast, I went to the Panama City Beach Visitors Center to see if they could help me find some organizations to volunteer with the area. All they did was give me the phone book to take with me. They also gave me a $5 off coupon to Winn Dixie, so I went over there and got some more food to hopefully hold me up for the rest of my stay here.
I then headed for some shade so that I could look through the phone book and maybe make some calls... only to find that it is nearly impossible to find shade in this city! If there is some shade, it is "Private Property." Sad day... Luckily, I found one on the OPPOSITE side of town. I parked and started going through the phone book...
... When I was awoken by a homeless guy wanting money! The heat is exhausting and I had dozed off... Anyway, I was able to talk with the homeless man - Matthew - for a while, share some of my food, and interviewed him. It was a good time had by all!
After that, I decided to go back to the beach... this time to swim... for the first time in probably a decade or longer! And when I say swim, it wasn't so much of swimming or having a party in the Gulf... because it was pretty shallow for a ways out, and its hard to have too much fun all alone! Instead, I tried to have a somewhat spiritual experience... Just me and the millions of gallons of salt water. I stood in the water and felt the various pulls of the currents near my feet and near the surface, and everywhere in between. As the waves crashed into me, I found it interesting that I had little to no affect on them. They would pound into me and keep on going. A few thoughts...
- I am nothing. In the grand scheme of thing, I am totally nothing... just a small piece of something much greater. But, just like the ocean, it takes millions of single droplets of water to create the ocean. I am just a kid, but it starts with just one to make a difference that can change the world.
- Work with, not against, the stronger power. There is no way that I could fight against some of those huge waves. I would dig my feet into the ground, but I would still be pulled towards them. Why try to fight against that kind of a force? It was much better to lift my feet, float in the water, and rise and fall with the waves (except for the really big ones - then I would have to jump to clear them)
- Stay afloat. When I wasn't paying attention, I would get pounded by a huge wave, get salt in my mouth and eyes, and it wasn't much fun... When I was paying attention, I was able to move with the water - jump over the waves, move with the currents, and steer clear of the burning eyes!
- Laugh at the extra baggage. So, when I got back to my car, I realized that my pockets were not empty. When I put my hands in, I realized that my front pockets were full of algae, and my back pockets were full of sand. LOTS O SAND. I was puzzled at how that even happened, but had to laugh! Granted, I did not want that stuff to come back to the car with me, but they did. I could have gotten frustrated and upset, but that wouldn't have done anything for me, so I decided to laugh it off!

So, there you have it. When you look for learning experiences, you can get them! Even though I am not really enjoying the extra baggage of being sunburned, sweaty, sticky, and covered in salt, sunscreen, and algae.

Anyway, since I don't have a towel to clean me off from that experience, I decided to walk along the beach and clean again until I dried off! I got quite a bit further down the beach this time before I had hunger strike again... I headed to the parking lot of McDonalds, used their restroom to wash my arms off (something is better than nothing, right?!) and then headed back outside for a yummy dinner of canned spaghetti-o's, canned beans, and chips. Mmmm!

And now you know my day! I hope y'all aren't getting bored of this! It has only begun!

O Captain! My Captain!

Through fearful trips thou lead us onward.

Through thick and thin, till journey's end.

The anchors been dropped, but rises again,

O Captain! My Captain! Thy vision is wearing.

Setting sail in daunting times,

Fear is cast in the hearts of thy crew.

The prize sought has bred tyranny and demise.

O Captain! My Captain! Return to virtue.

From fearful trip, the victors ship masks what it has done.

Success, perhaps, yet the truth cries from its grave.

O Captain! My Captain! Whom I've been taught to revere.

No longer does thy authority preserve thee.

The captain may change but the message remains,

O Captain! My Captain! Let Madame Justice carry thy fate.

For thee we call; eager now for thy reply:

Wilt thou go down with the ship or without thy soul?

What's In A Name?

Sometimes I get in writing monsoons, and sometimes I get in writing droughts. The past few days have been a drought. Currently, we are in a monsoon. Two posts within 24 hours. Dang.

Now that we have that out of the way...

Though I am up and down on the spirituality meter, I like to think of myself as a spiritual guy. Yeah, I often do stupid things that God would frown upon, but I still have my faith. Most of my posts have at least a mention of something spiritual, and depending on my audience or group of people I am with, I will talk more or less about spiritual things. But when I am staring at a screen with oblivion ahead of me to fill, I feel open and willing to discuss almost anything. Almost. 

[DISLCAIMER: For the non-religious and/or non-spiritual, this post deals with my musing on what I see as spiritual matters. Regardless, I perceive the information presented as beneficial to those on every level of the spiritual spectrum to pull from, whether Atheist, Agnostic, Wiccan, Pagan, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, and/or the Religious Zealot. What I mean to say is, just because I mention spirituality doesn't mean you should stop reading. Hopefully you will get something out of it!]

Maybe if I stop going off on tangents, I might eventually get to my main points. Well, spiritual me went to a spiritual class tonight. The spiritual topics got my spirit senses tingling. Let the memoir commence:

Memoirs of a Latter-Day Rogue: What's In A Name?

A name is more than a combination of letters on a birth certificate. A name is a sacred thing. It is your identity. It is how people address you and get to know you. It is the one label that we tend to cherish above all else - One has a sense of fame and utmost value as their name is remembered by peers and acquaintances. Memories, histories, likes and dislikes, hobbies, preferences, and the epitome of THE INDIVIDUAL is wrapped up in a name. 

My name is Peter C. Moosman.

If you want to get down to the nitty gritty, you could say my name is Peter C. Moosman, Child of God and Disciple of Christ, Member of the LDS Faith, Executive Vice President of Salt Lake Community College, Citizen of the United States of America, et al.

Quite the name, eh? The interesting thing is that it is longer (and living). Yup, you got it. It changes constantly. Some of you have probably caught on to what I am saying, while others may be a little confused. Let me explain. 

Every position I hold and every mantle I carry gives me a title - an extension of my name. I have a responsibility to represent it well. It is who I am, regardless of whether it is a weekend or not, whether I am well known or unknown. I can't escape it. 

If, by some miracle, I was to leave the country and visit a foreign land (yeah, I wish!), people would EXPECT certain behavior to come from me as a US citizen. I want people to see my behavior (a positive one, of course) and have a better view of the United States than they did before they met me. Likewise, I want people to have a better view of Salt Lake Community College, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the Family of God, and even the Moosman family.

Not only do I have the responsibility to represent it well, but I must also live up to the expectation of the name I hold. When many people hear my name, they ask me if I am related to [insert name here] Moosman. I am told over and over again how I have great parents or grandparents. I do NOT want to diminish the name of the Moosman family and what it stands for: virtue, honesty, integrity, and every other positive characteristic the Moosmans have worked to uphold. 

When I tell people that I am from Utah, I am often asked if I am Mormon. When I say yes, you better believe I am expected to act just as a Mormon would act, including the busting of myths and stereotypes rather than reinforcing them. Every mantle has an expectation. Do I fall short? Do I get by? Or do I exceed expectation and revolutionize the understanding of that mantle?

Lets dig deeper.

My name is Peter C. Moosman.

Peter is greek, meaning "rock." Growing up, I HATED this name... who wanted to be a rock? My friends had names that meant "great warrior" and other amazing meanings, while I was stuck with "a stone." Luckily, as I grew, so did my understanding. I felt that my name became a calling. I was to be a rock: a firm foundation, unmovable and bold. To this day, I think of the characteristics of my name and strive to become a better person because of it.

I was named after Simon Peter, who was one of the first Apostles of Jesus Christ, as found in the New Testament of the Bible. Big deal, right? RIGHT. It is a very big deal. Peter was the chief Apostle and took over the church after Christ was crucified. He was a special man, one to be revered. He was so revered in his day as a Man of God that people would lay their sick and afflicted in the streets, having the faith that if Peter's SHADOW were to touch them as he walked by, they would be healed [Acts 5: 15-16]. He dedicated his whole self to the service of others and the glorifying of Christ. He was humble, he was dedicated, he was compassionate.

Though I will never achieve the capacity of spiritual progression and power that Simon Peter held, I do have a great namesake to be my example. I feel that with the name I hold, I am given a responsibility to magnify the name. Peter is not just a "rock," but an "unmovable, firm foundation, defending truth and goodness in all things. A bold defender of the Faith." Yeah, a big deal.

What does your name mean? How can you find strength, conviction, and goodwill within it?

Yes, the name "Peter" has quite the mantle, but imagine carrying the weight of the name of something greater: Jesus Christ. Whether you recognize Him as the Son of God or simply an influential storyteller, one who carries his name carries a hefty responsibility. This is the King of Kings, Lord of Lord, and Only Begotten of the Father we are talking about! Who wants to put a blemish on His name? Of course, nobody would. Unfortunately, I seem to mess things up more often than not... BUT I try to keep the name clean. When we slip up, we dust ourselves off and try again.

What am I doing with Christ's name...? Like I mentioned above, as I carry the name of Christ, I am given a responsibility to magnify that name. What did Jesus Christ teach? How am I living? Are the two in harmony? I am not just talking about the obvious things about attending church and wearing a CTR ring, but what about dining with the sinners and publicans? Loving the enemies and understanding the unbeliever? Recognizing the royal blood in everyone and cherishing the opportunity to learn, grow, and testify with them. 

To clarify why I am talking about having Christ's name: I believe that by labeling myself as a Christian, and a baptized member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I have essentially taken His name upon me. "My name is Peter Moosman, Disciple of Christ." Though I do not introduce myself in this manner, I do feel that my actions, character, and countenance should. That speaks louder than any words I could say on the matter anyway.

I hope I am making sense.

Now for the confessions.... I will be the first to admit that I am one of the farthest from "Poster Child" status for the aforementioned principles. It is quite the challenge to maintain perfection, you know?! Seriously though, I have had my fair share of  detours on the road to reflecting the message and morals contained within each name I hold, from the names on my birth certificate to the names I adopt through this seemingly nonsensical life. At times they are glorified, and others they are tainted. Regardless, I have the opportunity to pull from the power-source which is a name. My name. Peter C. Moosman.

Books, School, and Life - Not Necessarily in That Order.

Good news: I am changing my major. No longer am I pursuing Political Science, but rather Humanities. This is a more applicable major to my career/life objectives. Thoughts?

More good news: I survived my first week of school! It will be an interesting one, for sure. I nearly went crazy trying to figure out what I want to do with my life... Its my last semester before I graduate. Am I going to a 4 year institution? Am I staying at SLCC? Am I going on an adventure for a year? Fortunately, I think I have figured it out (with back-up plans)! It is amazing how much better I feel now.

Prayer works, thats for sure.

So, I am taking two Native American Studies classes, right? One is taught by a Native and the other is taught by a white couple. It is amazing how differently they approach the topic. To be honest, the white couple is driving me insane... They are teaching the class that all Natives are the same... same traditions, same ideologies, same language, etc.

IT.MAKES.ME.SICK.

Luckily I have the other class to keep things straight. :)

My Biology class is worrisome. Not only am I terrible at hard sciences, but the teacher seems like a difficult one. Needless to say, I can really use some prayers!


On a lighter note, I was asked to put some of my art in an art show the other day. It will be in April, and along side my work will be art of all shapes and sizes from other local artists and even a few from across the nation! Pretty cool, eh? The host of the art show: a local art blog, ArtDuh.com

------ Above: Journal Entry --------------------- Below: Thoughts and Ramblings ------

As of late, I have been fortunate to have some time to just storm through a few books [Compliments of the Great American Bathroom Book].

This morning, I read The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer. Yesterday and the day before, I read Generation X: Tales For An Accelerated Culture by Douglas Coupland, and Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury. Before that: Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe, Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, East of Eden by John Steinbeck (of which I wrote about in a previous post), and The Enigma of Suicide by George Howe Colt. Lets talk about a few of them!

Generation X: Tales For An Accelerated Culture
- Read this book.
- "People gripe that it's some horrible curse against society not to work a creepy job that has no loyalty to you and is killing you... But... I'm happy to know there are dreamers out on the edge, characters out of key, in and out of love, drifting, slightly twisted, still willing to listen - childlike and full of wonder with their world - people I would consider my friends."
- "Either our lives become stories, or there's just no way to get through them."
- "I can't remember whether I said thank you."

Something Wicked This Way Comes
- "They... change you so no one ever knows you again."
- The carnival was evil, and those in it survived by "living off the poison of the sins we do to each other, and the ferment of our most terrible regrets."
- The quotes above make an interesting connection to one another. First, the carnival survives off sins and regrets. The carnival then changes people, becoming unknown to others.
     This is our life, sans evil carnival. The more we dive into sins and regrets, the more we are changed. They create within us a monster that consumes our being and fills the void with Unknownness. A darkness is apparent - if not a physical change that occurs.
     Likewise, when one avoids sins and terrible regrets and pursues positivity and enlightenment, they are also changed. Only this change doesn't create a stranger, but rather a reliable and trustworthy "amigo-monger" (I totally just made that word up... love it. spread it.). Remove the repelling darkness and replace with the attractive light. Familiarity is created, as opposed to the unknownness from sin. INTERESTING!

Uncle Tom's Cabin
- Things to learn from Uncle Tom:
     - Rely on God, no matter how bad it gets.
     - Kindness first, regardless of the consequences.
     - Kindness second, regardless of the consequences.
     - Stand up for what you believe, even if you stand alone.
     - Your reward may not be instant, but it will be lasting.
          - "Think of your freedom every time you see Uncle Tom's cabin; and let it be a memorial to put you all in mind to follow in his steps, and be honest and faithful and Christian as he was."

I want to write a little bit about Great Expectations and The Enigma of Suicide, but I can't write any more today... Which is probably a good thing for both of us! This is, after all, a ridiculously long post. I would love for you to leave your thoughts, comments, questions, or concerns!

Cheers, yo.