Ten Months Later, or, To Share Or Not To Share

It's crazy to think that the last time I posted on my blog was ten months ago. Life was terribly different back then as compared to today - though many of those around me will not recognize the difference in me, my life, or anything else for that matter.

But things are pretty different.

My current feeling goes something like this: a blend of fear, anxiety, excitement, and childish giddiness are burning in my chest, while my stomach turns with a sense of hunger and stirred butterflies. I want to smile. I want to laugh. I want to cry and throw up a little bit. But, I want to talk to someone about the great things of life and the joys of Jesus and the intense aloneness I have felt in the past.

I want to share it all.

And then, of course, that leads me to a greater fear that my words will fall on ears closed and boarded up, a mind unable to understand the excitement and absurdity that is my life. 

The reel-to-reel in my mind plays it out perfectly. I dish it out on fancy plates with silver spoons. It's devoured - with the guest begging for a recipe and the intricacies its existence! And the giddy fear with a side of excitement and a glass of anxiety are no longer kept to myself, but has been consumed and absorbed by someone else. Mutual confusion, euphoria, and honest terror of what the future brings. 

The experience is one for the record books, let me tell you!

The performance in my mind enhances the previous emotions to the point where I am comparable to a teenybopper who just got backstage to her heartthrob's concert.

Yet, without fail, the fear of a miscalculated sentence or a fatefully closed mind overcomes the delight of the played and replayed scene.

What is a troubled soul to do?

If it was anyone else sharing this experience to me, I would be ecstatic to say, "Go for it! What is there even to question!?" But, since it is me who has to do the talking, the faith has yet to overcome the fear.

On a lighter note...

My life is incredible. Aside from the battle waging in my heart and soul as described above, things are going pretty perfectly. I am overcoming odds and challenging systems. And, as cliché as it may sound, The Man Upstairs is all to blame.

If you would have compared the Me of June 6, 2012 to the Me of June 19, 2012, we would be doppelgängers on the outside, but antonyms within. I guess you could say that Who I've Been has claimed vengeance on Who I Am, so that Who I'll Be can rise to fruition. It's like a Hollywood blockbuster. For real. Maybe we could call it September Came.

There is something to be learned in His wise words: "Pray always, that you may come off conqueror." (D&C 10:5) "...Lift up your heads, and rejoice, and put your trust in God..." (Mosiah 7:19) "...Walk in my statutes, and keep my commandments, and do them..." (Leviticus 26:3)

Call it snake oil, call it placebo, call it the Truth of the Universe. Whatever you want to call it, it works more than you would ever begin to imagine. Go ahead, give it a shot. I triple dog dare you.

Confused yet? Good.

PS: Ecstaticism isn't a word. I tried.

[Name Unavailable for the Sake of the Reader]

I have been here before.

Same thoughts.

Same emotions.

Same expletives.

Well, maybe different expletives.

This time, more intensive.

When I say I wanna escape,

Words can't describe

The direction.

The rapidity.

The destination.

Needless to say,

Who I've been hates who I am.

Who I've been hates who I am.

Discover the paradox displayed.

Thoughts.

Emotions.

Direction.

Destination.

Decipher the obvious or let me be.

Mr. Bin Laden, Thanks for the Reflection

Greetings.

Recently, I made a facebook comment about killing, Osama Bin Laden, and the significance of his death. It went as follows:

"Again I ask: Why do we kill people that kill people to tell people that killing people is wrong? So, Osama Bin Laden is dead. What does that prove? What did it accomplish?"

The following is an explanation of my original comment and a response to those who posted a reply.

My Explanation:

"Why do we kill people that kill people to tell people that killing people is wrong?"

I am a strong believer that taking the life of another is NEVER the answer - regardless of what acts and atrocities that person may have committed against others. Unless the Almighty Himself informs me to believe otherwise on certain situations, I will stand by that statement. If He said that "the worth of every soul is great in the sight of God," I will believe it - even if the individual is Hitler or Osama Bin Laden. It is not my position to believe otherwise.

I do not ask you to agree with me under any circumstance, nor do I have a simple solution for the blood that is shed on the sacred ground of this planet. I just ask that you respect my belief that taking the life of another is not the answer unless granted permission by God the Father.

"So, Osama Bin Laden is dead. What does that prove? What did it accomplish?"

I decided to ask these questions after reading the countless posts on facebook celebrating the death of this man, as if world terrorism and Al-Qaida ended with his life. Please first understand that I, in no way, shape, or form SUPPORT the acts of Osama Bin Laden. Though I don't think that Osama Bin Laden was a good person (to say the very least), I don't believe that his murder will stop the violence that Al-Qaida is committing - his death wont stop any killing. I don't believe that his murder will end terrorism or bring back the lives that were lost under his command. Thusly, I don't see why celebrating one man's death is proving or accomplishing anything. If it helps people find solace, then may they be blessed with that peace. When violence and terrorism ends, I will celebrate with the rest of the world. Until then, I will not celebrate at the magnification of violence and/or murder because it is from my side of the border.

"Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth." - Proverbs 24:17

If I am ridiculed for saying these things, then so be it. I am not looking for mercy - just to be understood. Some who read this will be not of my faith, but I still hope for understanding and respect for my beliefs. Some may say that it is impossible to live with the villain, and the only way to find justice and reconciliation is to kill. If it were impossible, why were we commanded to "love [our] enemies, do good to them which hate [us?]" Why are we commanded to "bless them that curse [us], and pray for them which despitefully use [us]." Even more, we are taught that "unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek" to "offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloke, forbid not to take thy coat also." If you don't believe this to be more than a good story and suggestion, I ask you to reevaluate your faith. This is the understanding I am trying to have, and under that premise I ask: What does the murder of Osama Bin Laden prove and accomplish?

Once again, I will say that I am not asking for you to agree with me, but please have the decency and respect to understand me before jumping to conclusions. Thank you.

My Response:

Things heated up pretty quick after my post. Some took it as a personal attack to America or to their dignity as a human being. I, in no way, intended to offend anyone. Rather, I hoped to offer a different perspective than the unified celebration that I read throughout my facebook wall. I will now respond to the comments shared in reply to mine. If your comment is not found below, it was either covered above or included in the response to another comment below.

"Get out of America" / "Lets stop this world so you can get off."

I don't know how my comments suddenly made me Anti-American or even Anti-Earthling, but if that is the understanding, you are sorely mistaken. I am grateful to live where I live, though not always grateful for what happens around me. If people really want me gone, you can do a few things:

1. Send me to hell so I can enjoy the company of my fellow "non-patriots." I am ready to die, and if you don't want me here, take your own words as serious as you make them sound. 

2. Buy me a one-way ticket to Africa, a place to stay, and give me enough money that I can survive long enough to get my life in order in a new country.

3. Hire a hitman.

"You should ask Joseph Smith why he shot two people in Carthage before he died, or Captain Moroni why he fought, even unto bloodshed, why they did something so wrong."

Though I feel that this comment is comparing apples to oranges... no, apples to chimpanzees, I will say this: Joseph Smith and Moroni will be judged for the actions they committed just as much as anyone else. God has an understanding of each situation and He will judge accordingly. It is not my job to judge / condemn / justify anything... It is my job to live in a manner in which I feel is right - Which is outlined above in the "My Explanation" portion of this dissertation - and to share my beliefs as appropriate.

"Seriously with the hippie rhetoric? That dude has cost the lives of untold thousands of otherwise peaceful individuals. I celebrate his demise and am grateful for those who kicked his ass. If one man must die to prevent the death of countless others, I say he forfeits it." / This man has killed thousands. Maybe it is the "It's better than one man perish" thought. / etc...

I don't mean to be snide, but please refer to some hippie rhetoric I cherish:  http://tinyurl.com/3gr5hmw, http://tinyurl.com/3velcje

On a more serious note, may I refer you to some individuals who fit the mold of your definition of "costing the lives of untold thousands of otherwise peaceful individuals" : George Washington, Christopher Columbus, Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln. These men are revered by Americans, but took part in the GENOCIDE of entire nations of Natives. So, how is Osama Bin Laden different from George Washington?

"If people sit idle and do nothing to stand for what is right. Then evil wins. The historical records of the world which include the scriptures account of the need to defend the rights of those that can't do it for themselves. For someone that professes human rights for peoples of South Africa and elsewhere on this planet your statement suggest the ability to convince a terrorist is simply to explain to them that what they are doing is wrong. It doesn't work that way. You are quick to challenge the efforts of so many but slow to offer a solution. I'm proud of those that serve for what they believe in and defend this accomplishment. I know that this is just one of many straws that need to be pulled but at this time, this action sends the message that we care about what has happened and what we are willing to do to stand for truth. We don't live in a box."

As the one who raised me in the LDS faith, I hope you will accept my strictly LDS response:

In the Book of Mormon, there was a group of individuals who buried their weapons of war because "they fear[ed] to take them up lest by any means they should sin." These people "had rather sacrifice their lives than even to take the life of their enemy; and they have buried their weapons of war deep in the earth, because of their love towards their brethren." And though they didn't know what would happen to them, they relied on the Lord. They didn't have a solution - along with various other believers, such as Adam ("I know not, save the Lord commanded me."), Abinadi ("I finish my message; and then it amatters not whither I go, if it so be that I am saved."), and Nephi ("I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do."), who relied on their faith and the plan of God to take care of the solution.

I believe that there are solutions that don't include violence or killing. If there aren't, I believe that we will be provided for as we do the best we know.

I have respect for military men and women that are willing to risk their lives for those things in which they believe in. It takes a lot to forsake your family, friends, and belongings to put your life on the line like they do - I respect that decision.

"I don't believe these ppl that support murderers, PETER!!! I don't believe you feel this way. Where were you when the TWIN TOWERS came down killing nearly 3000 innocent ppl? Look what YOUR WHITE PPL did to my LAMANITE PPL. You are saying that this ok too?"

I am NOT saying ANY of this is ok. I am shocked and hurt that anyone would assume that I would be supporting or even ok with Osama Bin Laden or the killing of anyone. As for the Natives, please read the reply to the question 2 above this one.

Let me ask this: Do you know who Joseph Kony is? He is a man who has kidnapped tens of thousands of children, raped girls and women, murdered tens of thousands, and displaced millions. His army has probably done just as much, if not more damage than Osama Bin Laden. What have any of you done to stop him? Do you know who Philip Morris or RJ Reynolds is? They kill more people in 3 days than 9/11. The thing is, it happens EVERY THREE DAYS. It doesn't stop. What is anyone doing to stop that genocide? What about the innocent life of animals? Anyone trying to stop that torturous killing? There are countless other problems that we are ALL guilty of being a part of, so before I am criticized for being idle and supporting murderers, I ask you all to look into a mirror and criticize yourself first. What are you doing to "bring justice and reconciliation" to the lives lost and affected here?

I am sorry that people have been hurt or offended by my original comment. I did not intend for it to go this far, but that is the price you pay for having an opinion. I will not delete my post, as I still pose the question, "Why do we kill people who kill people to tell people that killing people is wrong?" I still don't think that killing Osama Bin Laden will change much, other than the unfortunate solace people find in the death of an individual. I will repost this link, for it may have been lost in this lengthy epistle (http://tinyurl.com/3gr5hmw). I apologize for its length, but I felt that the explanation was much needed. Once again, I apologize, and hope that we can all still be friends with different opinions. Thank you.

peter.moosman.

p.s. - If there are spelling errors or grammatical errors, I apologize... A lot of writing at a non-conducive hour proves to have errors. And to be quite honest... I don't want to go through and check it. :)

What's In A Name?

Sometimes I get in writing monsoons, and sometimes I get in writing droughts. The past few days have been a drought. Currently, we are in a monsoon. Two posts within 24 hours. Dang.

Now that we have that out of the way...

Though I am up and down on the spirituality meter, I like to think of myself as a spiritual guy. Yeah, I often do stupid things that God would frown upon, but I still have my faith. Most of my posts have at least a mention of something spiritual, and depending on my audience or group of people I am with, I will talk more or less about spiritual things. But when I am staring at a screen with oblivion ahead of me to fill, I feel open and willing to discuss almost anything. Almost. 

[DISLCAIMER: For the non-religious and/or non-spiritual, this post deals with my musing on what I see as spiritual matters. Regardless, I perceive the information presented as beneficial to those on every level of the spiritual spectrum to pull from, whether Atheist, Agnostic, Wiccan, Pagan, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, and/or the Religious Zealot. What I mean to say is, just because I mention spirituality doesn't mean you should stop reading. Hopefully you will get something out of it!]

Maybe if I stop going off on tangents, I might eventually get to my main points. Well, spiritual me went to a spiritual class tonight. The spiritual topics got my spirit senses tingling. Let the memoir commence:

Memoirs of a Latter-Day Rogue: What's In A Name?

A name is more than a combination of letters on a birth certificate. A name is a sacred thing. It is your identity. It is how people address you and get to know you. It is the one label that we tend to cherish above all else - One has a sense of fame and utmost value as their name is remembered by peers and acquaintances. Memories, histories, likes and dislikes, hobbies, preferences, and the epitome of THE INDIVIDUAL is wrapped up in a name. 

My name is Peter C. Moosman.

If you want to get down to the nitty gritty, you could say my name is Peter C. Moosman, Child of God and Disciple of Christ, Member of the LDS Faith, Executive Vice President of Salt Lake Community College, Citizen of the United States of America, et al.

Quite the name, eh? The interesting thing is that it is longer (and living). Yup, you got it. It changes constantly. Some of you have probably caught on to what I am saying, while others may be a little confused. Let me explain. 

Every position I hold and every mantle I carry gives me a title - an extension of my name. I have a responsibility to represent it well. It is who I am, regardless of whether it is a weekend or not, whether I am well known or unknown. I can't escape it. 

If, by some miracle, I was to leave the country and visit a foreign land (yeah, I wish!), people would EXPECT certain behavior to come from me as a US citizen. I want people to see my behavior (a positive one, of course) and have a better view of the United States than they did before they met me. Likewise, I want people to have a better view of Salt Lake Community College, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, the Family of God, and even the Moosman family.

Not only do I have the responsibility to represent it well, but I must also live up to the expectation of the name I hold. When many people hear my name, they ask me if I am related to [insert name here] Moosman. I am told over and over again how I have great parents or grandparents. I do NOT want to diminish the name of the Moosman family and what it stands for: virtue, honesty, integrity, and every other positive characteristic the Moosmans have worked to uphold. 

When I tell people that I am from Utah, I am often asked if I am Mormon. When I say yes, you better believe I am expected to act just as a Mormon would act, including the busting of myths and stereotypes rather than reinforcing them. Every mantle has an expectation. Do I fall short? Do I get by? Or do I exceed expectation and revolutionize the understanding of that mantle?

Lets dig deeper.

My name is Peter C. Moosman.

Peter is greek, meaning "rock." Growing up, I HATED this name... who wanted to be a rock? My friends had names that meant "great warrior" and other amazing meanings, while I was stuck with "a stone." Luckily, as I grew, so did my understanding. I felt that my name became a calling. I was to be a rock: a firm foundation, unmovable and bold. To this day, I think of the characteristics of my name and strive to become a better person because of it.

I was named after Simon Peter, who was one of the first Apostles of Jesus Christ, as found in the New Testament of the Bible. Big deal, right? RIGHT. It is a very big deal. Peter was the chief Apostle and took over the church after Christ was crucified. He was a special man, one to be revered. He was so revered in his day as a Man of God that people would lay their sick and afflicted in the streets, having the faith that if Peter's SHADOW were to touch them as he walked by, they would be healed [Acts 5: 15-16]. He dedicated his whole self to the service of others and the glorifying of Christ. He was humble, he was dedicated, he was compassionate.

Though I will never achieve the capacity of spiritual progression and power that Simon Peter held, I do have a great namesake to be my example. I feel that with the name I hold, I am given a responsibility to magnify the name. Peter is not just a "rock," but an "unmovable, firm foundation, defending truth and goodness in all things. A bold defender of the Faith." Yeah, a big deal.

What does your name mean? How can you find strength, conviction, and goodwill within it?

Yes, the name "Peter" has quite the mantle, but imagine carrying the weight of the name of something greater: Jesus Christ. Whether you recognize Him as the Son of God or simply an influential storyteller, one who carries his name carries a hefty responsibility. This is the King of Kings, Lord of Lord, and Only Begotten of the Father we are talking about! Who wants to put a blemish on His name? Of course, nobody would. Unfortunately, I seem to mess things up more often than not... BUT I try to keep the name clean. When we slip up, we dust ourselves off and try again.

What am I doing with Christ's name...? Like I mentioned above, as I carry the name of Christ, I am given a responsibility to magnify that name. What did Jesus Christ teach? How am I living? Are the two in harmony? I am not just talking about the obvious things about attending church and wearing a CTR ring, but what about dining with the sinners and publicans? Loving the enemies and understanding the unbeliever? Recognizing the royal blood in everyone and cherishing the opportunity to learn, grow, and testify with them. 

To clarify why I am talking about having Christ's name: I believe that by labeling myself as a Christian, and a baptized member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I have essentially taken His name upon me. "My name is Peter Moosman, Disciple of Christ." Though I do not introduce myself in this manner, I do feel that my actions, character, and countenance should. That speaks louder than any words I could say on the matter anyway.

I hope I am making sense.

Now for the confessions.... I will be the first to admit that I am one of the farthest from "Poster Child" status for the aforementioned principles. It is quite the challenge to maintain perfection, you know?! Seriously though, I have had my fair share of  detours on the road to reflecting the message and morals contained within each name I hold, from the names on my birth certificate to the names I adopt through this seemingly nonsensical life. At times they are glorified, and others they are tainted. Regardless, I have the opportunity to pull from the power-source which is a name. My name. Peter C. Moosman.

Books, School, and Life - Not Necessarily in That Order.

Good news: I am changing my major. No longer am I pursuing Political Science, but rather Humanities. This is a more applicable major to my career/life objectives. Thoughts?

More good news: I survived my first week of school! It will be an interesting one, for sure. I nearly went crazy trying to figure out what I want to do with my life... Its my last semester before I graduate. Am I going to a 4 year institution? Am I staying at SLCC? Am I going on an adventure for a year? Fortunately, I think I have figured it out (with back-up plans)! It is amazing how much better I feel now.

Prayer works, thats for sure.

So, I am taking two Native American Studies classes, right? One is taught by a Native and the other is taught by a white couple. It is amazing how differently they approach the topic. To be honest, the white couple is driving me insane... They are teaching the class that all Natives are the same... same traditions, same ideologies, same language, etc.

IT.MAKES.ME.SICK.

Luckily I have the other class to keep things straight. :)

My Biology class is worrisome. Not only am I terrible at hard sciences, but the teacher seems like a difficult one. Needless to say, I can really use some prayers!


On a lighter note, I was asked to put some of my art in an art show the other day. It will be in April, and along side my work will be art of all shapes and sizes from other local artists and even a few from across the nation! Pretty cool, eh? The host of the art show: a local art blog, ArtDuh.com

------ Above: Journal Entry --------------------- Below: Thoughts and Ramblings ------

As of late, I have been fortunate to have some time to just storm through a few books [Compliments of the Great American Bathroom Book].

This morning, I read The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer. Yesterday and the day before, I read Generation X: Tales For An Accelerated Culture by Douglas Coupland, and Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury. Before that: Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe, Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, East of Eden by John Steinbeck (of which I wrote about in a previous post), and The Enigma of Suicide by George Howe Colt. Lets talk about a few of them!

Generation X: Tales For An Accelerated Culture
- Read this book.
- "People gripe that it's some horrible curse against society not to work a creepy job that has no loyalty to you and is killing you... But... I'm happy to know there are dreamers out on the edge, characters out of key, in and out of love, drifting, slightly twisted, still willing to listen - childlike and full of wonder with their world - people I would consider my friends."
- "Either our lives become stories, or there's just no way to get through them."
- "I can't remember whether I said thank you."

Something Wicked This Way Comes
- "They... change you so no one ever knows you again."
- The carnival was evil, and those in it survived by "living off the poison of the sins we do to each other, and the ferment of our most terrible regrets."
- The quotes above make an interesting connection to one another. First, the carnival survives off sins and regrets. The carnival then changes people, becoming unknown to others.
     This is our life, sans evil carnival. The more we dive into sins and regrets, the more we are changed. They create within us a monster that consumes our being and fills the void with Unknownness. A darkness is apparent - if not a physical change that occurs.
     Likewise, when one avoids sins and terrible regrets and pursues positivity and enlightenment, they are also changed. Only this change doesn't create a stranger, but rather a reliable and trustworthy "amigo-monger" (I totally just made that word up... love it. spread it.). Remove the repelling darkness and replace with the attractive light. Familiarity is created, as opposed to the unknownness from sin. INTERESTING!

Uncle Tom's Cabin
- Things to learn from Uncle Tom:
     - Rely on God, no matter how bad it gets.
     - Kindness first, regardless of the consequences.
     - Kindness second, regardless of the consequences.
     - Stand up for what you believe, even if you stand alone.
     - Your reward may not be instant, but it will be lasting.
          - "Think of your freedom every time you see Uncle Tom's cabin; and let it be a memorial to put you all in mind to follow in his steps, and be honest and faithful and Christian as he was."

I want to write a little bit about Great Expectations and The Enigma of Suicide, but I can't write any more today... Which is probably a good thing for both of us! This is, after all, a ridiculously long post. I would love for you to leave your thoughts, comments, questions, or concerns!

Cheers, yo.