Ten Months Later, or, To Share Or Not To Share

It's crazy to think that the last time I posted on my blog was ten months ago. Life was terribly different back then as compared to today - though many of those around me will not recognize the difference in me, my life, or anything else for that matter.

But things are pretty different.

My current feeling goes something like this: a blend of fear, anxiety, excitement, and childish giddiness are burning in my chest, while my stomach turns with a sense of hunger and stirred butterflies. I want to smile. I want to laugh. I want to cry and throw up a little bit. But, I want to talk to someone about the great things of life and the joys of Jesus and the intense aloneness I have felt in the past.

I want to share it all.

And then, of course, that leads me to a greater fear that my words will fall on ears closed and boarded up, a mind unable to understand the excitement and absurdity that is my life. 

The reel-to-reel in my mind plays it out perfectly. I dish it out on fancy plates with silver spoons. It's devoured - with the guest begging for a recipe and the intricacies its existence! And the giddy fear with a side of excitement and a glass of anxiety are no longer kept to myself, but has been consumed and absorbed by someone else. Mutual confusion, euphoria, and honest terror of what the future brings. 

The experience is one for the record books, let me tell you!

The performance in my mind enhances the previous emotions to the point where I am comparable to a teenybopper who just got backstage to her heartthrob's concert.

Yet, without fail, the fear of a miscalculated sentence or a fatefully closed mind overcomes the delight of the played and replayed scene.

What is a troubled soul to do?

If it was anyone else sharing this experience to me, I would be ecstatic to say, "Go for it! What is there even to question!?" But, since it is me who has to do the talking, the faith has yet to overcome the fear.

On a lighter note...

My life is incredible. Aside from the battle waging in my heart and soul as described above, things are going pretty perfectly. I am overcoming odds and challenging systems. And, as cliché as it may sound, The Man Upstairs is all to blame.

If you would have compared the Me of June 6, 2012 to the Me of June 19, 2012, we would be doppelgängers on the outside, but antonyms within. I guess you could say that Who I've Been has claimed vengeance on Who I Am, so that Who I'll Be can rise to fruition. It's like a Hollywood blockbuster. For real. Maybe we could call it September Came.

There is something to be learned in His wise words: "Pray always, that you may come off conqueror." (D&C 10:5) "...Lift up your heads, and rejoice, and put your trust in God..." (Mosiah 7:19) "...Walk in my statutes, and keep my commandments, and do them..." (Leviticus 26:3)

Call it snake oil, call it placebo, call it the Truth of the Universe. Whatever you want to call it, it works more than you would ever begin to imagine. Go ahead, give it a shot. I triple dog dare you.

Confused yet? Good.

PS: Ecstaticism isn't a word. I tried.

[Name Unavailable for the Sake of the Reader]

I have been here before.

Same thoughts.

Same emotions.

Same expletives.

Well, maybe different expletives.

This time, more intensive.

When I say I wanna escape,

Words can't describe

The direction.

The rapidity.

The destination.

Needless to say,

Who I've been hates who I am.

Who I've been hates who I am.

Discover the paradox displayed.

Thoughts.

Emotions.

Direction.

Destination.

Decipher the obvious or let me be.

"Et Tu, Brute?"

There comes a time in everyones lives that they feel a sense of utmost betrayal, not from any outside source or being, but from the innermost crevices of our own soul.

Or maybe its just me...

The Darkest Hour

So, I wrote this last night at 1:00am. Don't look too much into it...

Emotionless

Blank stares,

like x-ray vision,

looking off into oblivion

Into my own fears, regrets and wishes.

Trapped

in the hustling and the bustling

of the day, week, month, year.

In the silence and lonesome that haunts me

Nostalgia

It hurts and heals,

Develops and destroys.

I wish for nothing less than a pause

- A stand still -

Rather, decay consumes.

I digress.

--------------------

You think it sounds good.

Your thoughts deceive you.

There is nothing good about it - 

other than its sickening truth

written between the lines

and on my heart

[with pins and needles and sleepless nights]

--------------------------

Anyway, we have been interviewing candidates for the Student Senate this week and will finish up tomorrow. There have been some great people to come through the doors. I am bummed I can't take them all. We decided to spice things up in the interviews, and did so by adding an interview question: "If you could have a superpower, what would you have and why?" Its great to see everyones face lighten up when we ask the question (I know, we are so intimidating - and/or dry - in our interviews). I thought about it for myself and came up with a superpower. Unfortunately for you [if you want to consider it unfortunate], I am not gonna share it today. You will just need to wait until my next post, and I will write ALL ABOUT IT. Until then, what superpower would you have and why?

Over and out. 

Books, School, and Life - Not Necessarily in That Order.

Good news: I am changing my major. No longer am I pursuing Political Science, but rather Humanities. This is a more applicable major to my career/life objectives. Thoughts?

More good news: I survived my first week of school! It will be an interesting one, for sure. I nearly went crazy trying to figure out what I want to do with my life... Its my last semester before I graduate. Am I going to a 4 year institution? Am I staying at SLCC? Am I going on an adventure for a year? Fortunately, I think I have figured it out (with back-up plans)! It is amazing how much better I feel now.

Prayer works, thats for sure.

So, I am taking two Native American Studies classes, right? One is taught by a Native and the other is taught by a white couple. It is amazing how differently they approach the topic. To be honest, the white couple is driving me insane... They are teaching the class that all Natives are the same... same traditions, same ideologies, same language, etc.

IT.MAKES.ME.SICK.

Luckily I have the other class to keep things straight. :)

My Biology class is worrisome. Not only am I terrible at hard sciences, but the teacher seems like a difficult one. Needless to say, I can really use some prayers!


On a lighter note, I was asked to put some of my art in an art show the other day. It will be in April, and along side my work will be art of all shapes and sizes from other local artists and even a few from across the nation! Pretty cool, eh? The host of the art show: a local art blog, ArtDuh.com

------ Above: Journal Entry --------------------- Below: Thoughts and Ramblings ------

As of late, I have been fortunate to have some time to just storm through a few books [Compliments of the Great American Bathroom Book].

This morning, I read The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer. Yesterday and the day before, I read Generation X: Tales For An Accelerated Culture by Douglas Coupland, and Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury. Before that: Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe, Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, East of Eden by John Steinbeck (of which I wrote about in a previous post), and The Enigma of Suicide by George Howe Colt. Lets talk about a few of them!

Generation X: Tales For An Accelerated Culture
- Read this book.
- "People gripe that it's some horrible curse against society not to work a creepy job that has no loyalty to you and is killing you... But... I'm happy to know there are dreamers out on the edge, characters out of key, in and out of love, drifting, slightly twisted, still willing to listen - childlike and full of wonder with their world - people I would consider my friends."
- "Either our lives become stories, or there's just no way to get through them."
- "I can't remember whether I said thank you."

Something Wicked This Way Comes
- "They... change you so no one ever knows you again."
- The carnival was evil, and those in it survived by "living off the poison of the sins we do to each other, and the ferment of our most terrible regrets."
- The quotes above make an interesting connection to one another. First, the carnival survives off sins and regrets. The carnival then changes people, becoming unknown to others.
     This is our life, sans evil carnival. The more we dive into sins and regrets, the more we are changed. They create within us a monster that consumes our being and fills the void with Unknownness. A darkness is apparent - if not a physical change that occurs.
     Likewise, when one avoids sins and terrible regrets and pursues positivity and enlightenment, they are also changed. Only this change doesn't create a stranger, but rather a reliable and trustworthy "amigo-monger" (I totally just made that word up... love it. spread it.). Remove the repelling darkness and replace with the attractive light. Familiarity is created, as opposed to the unknownness from sin. INTERESTING!

Uncle Tom's Cabin
- Things to learn from Uncle Tom:
     - Rely on God, no matter how bad it gets.
     - Kindness first, regardless of the consequences.
     - Kindness second, regardless of the consequences.
     - Stand up for what you believe, even if you stand alone.
     - Your reward may not be instant, but it will be lasting.
          - "Think of your freedom every time you see Uncle Tom's cabin; and let it be a memorial to put you all in mind to follow in his steps, and be honest and faithful and Christian as he was."

I want to write a little bit about Great Expectations and The Enigma of Suicide, but I can't write any more today... Which is probably a good thing for both of us! This is, after all, a ridiculously long post. I would love for you to leave your thoughts, comments, questions, or concerns!

Cheers, yo.