Ten Months Later, or, To Share Or Not To Share

It's crazy to think that the last time I posted on my blog was ten months ago. Life was terribly different back then as compared to today - though many of those around me will not recognize the difference in me, my life, or anything else for that matter.

But things are pretty different.

My current feeling goes something like this: a blend of fear, anxiety, excitement, and childish giddiness are burning in my chest, while my stomach turns with a sense of hunger and stirred butterflies. I want to smile. I want to laugh. I want to cry and throw up a little bit. But, I want to talk to someone about the great things of life and the joys of Jesus and the intense aloneness I have felt in the past.

I want to share it all.

And then, of course, that leads me to a greater fear that my words will fall on ears closed and boarded up, a mind unable to understand the excitement and absurdity that is my life. 

The reel-to-reel in my mind plays it out perfectly. I dish it out on fancy plates with silver spoons. It's devoured - with the guest begging for a recipe and the intricacies its existence! And the giddy fear with a side of excitement and a glass of anxiety are no longer kept to myself, but has been consumed and absorbed by someone else. Mutual confusion, euphoria, and honest terror of what the future brings. 

The experience is one for the record books, let me tell you!

The performance in my mind enhances the previous emotions to the point where I am comparable to a teenybopper who just got backstage to her heartthrob's concert.

Yet, without fail, the fear of a miscalculated sentence or a fatefully closed mind overcomes the delight of the played and replayed scene.

What is a troubled soul to do?

If it was anyone else sharing this experience to me, I would be ecstatic to say, "Go for it! What is there even to question!?" But, since it is me who has to do the talking, the faith has yet to overcome the fear.

On a lighter note...

My life is incredible. Aside from the battle waging in my heart and soul as described above, things are going pretty perfectly. I am overcoming odds and challenging systems. And, as cliché as it may sound, The Man Upstairs is all to blame.

If you would have compared the Me of June 6, 2012 to the Me of June 19, 2012, we would be doppelgängers on the outside, but antonyms within. I guess you could say that Who I've Been has claimed vengeance on Who I Am, so that Who I'll Be can rise to fruition. It's like a Hollywood blockbuster. For real. Maybe we could call it September Came.

There is something to be learned in His wise words: "Pray always, that you may come off conqueror." (D&C 10:5) "...Lift up your heads, and rejoice, and put your trust in God..." (Mosiah 7:19) "...Walk in my statutes, and keep my commandments, and do them..." (Leviticus 26:3)

Call it snake oil, call it placebo, call it the Truth of the Universe. Whatever you want to call it, it works more than you would ever begin to imagine. Go ahead, give it a shot. I triple dog dare you.

Confused yet? Good.

PS: Ecstaticism isn't a word. I tried.

The Sorrowing of the Damned*

This is the sorrowing of the Damned: That promised grace was pulling me away from the world, so I let go and came crashing down. So much for a loving God with outstretched arms promising me mansions and a glorious crown. I feel betrayed by the One with so-called arms unfurled.

We swore by the Heavens and the throne of God that we would lie and murder to avenge our brothers who were lied to and murdered. In the name of the Almighty, we cursed our enemy and retaliate. Now we struggle by the sword for our lives & curse God for not being on our side.

I'm left here, drenched in sin - I thought for sure I would win. Living the dream promised by the Lawless One is not what it seems. All that is left is to curse the Man on High, wishing I could die. Now I'm down, I'm slammed. This is the sorrowing of the Damned.

*(Mormon 2: 12-14) During a study session on my mission, A few scriptures in the book of Mormon stuck out to me - showing me the contrast of a true follower of Christ and one struggling in the faith. The Sorrowing of the Damned is from the side of those struggling. To come (hopefully): The Cries of the Unashamed, which displays the attitude of the true disciple. 

Mr. Bin Laden, Thanks for the Reflection

Greetings.

Recently, I made a facebook comment about killing, Osama Bin Laden, and the significance of his death. It went as follows:

"Again I ask: Why do we kill people that kill people to tell people that killing people is wrong? So, Osama Bin Laden is dead. What does that prove? What did it accomplish?"

The following is an explanation of my original comment and a response to those who posted a reply.

My Explanation:

"Why do we kill people that kill people to tell people that killing people is wrong?"

I am a strong believer that taking the life of another is NEVER the answer - regardless of what acts and atrocities that person may have committed against others. Unless the Almighty Himself informs me to believe otherwise on certain situations, I will stand by that statement. If He said that "the worth of every soul is great in the sight of God," I will believe it - even if the individual is Hitler or Osama Bin Laden. It is not my position to believe otherwise.

I do not ask you to agree with me under any circumstance, nor do I have a simple solution for the blood that is shed on the sacred ground of this planet. I just ask that you respect my belief that taking the life of another is not the answer unless granted permission by God the Father.

"So, Osama Bin Laden is dead. What does that prove? What did it accomplish?"

I decided to ask these questions after reading the countless posts on facebook celebrating the death of this man, as if world terrorism and Al-Qaida ended with his life. Please first understand that I, in no way, shape, or form SUPPORT the acts of Osama Bin Laden. Though I don't think that Osama Bin Laden was a good person (to say the very least), I don't believe that his murder will stop the violence that Al-Qaida is committing - his death wont stop any killing. I don't believe that his murder will end terrorism or bring back the lives that were lost under his command. Thusly, I don't see why celebrating one man's death is proving or accomplishing anything. If it helps people find solace, then may they be blessed with that peace. When violence and terrorism ends, I will celebrate with the rest of the world. Until then, I will not celebrate at the magnification of violence and/or murder because it is from my side of the border.

"Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth." - Proverbs 24:17

If I am ridiculed for saying these things, then so be it. I am not looking for mercy - just to be understood. Some who read this will be not of my faith, but I still hope for understanding and respect for my beliefs. Some may say that it is impossible to live with the villain, and the only way to find justice and reconciliation is to kill. If it were impossible, why were we commanded to "love [our] enemies, do good to them which hate [us?]" Why are we commanded to "bless them that curse [us], and pray for them which despitefully use [us]." Even more, we are taught that "unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek" to "offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloke, forbid not to take thy coat also." If you don't believe this to be more than a good story and suggestion, I ask you to reevaluate your faith. This is the understanding I am trying to have, and under that premise I ask: What does the murder of Osama Bin Laden prove and accomplish?

Once again, I will say that I am not asking for you to agree with me, but please have the decency and respect to understand me before jumping to conclusions. Thank you.

My Response:

Things heated up pretty quick after my post. Some took it as a personal attack to America or to their dignity as a human being. I, in no way, intended to offend anyone. Rather, I hoped to offer a different perspective than the unified celebration that I read throughout my facebook wall. I will now respond to the comments shared in reply to mine. If your comment is not found below, it was either covered above or included in the response to another comment below.

"Get out of America" / "Lets stop this world so you can get off."

I don't know how my comments suddenly made me Anti-American or even Anti-Earthling, but if that is the understanding, you are sorely mistaken. I am grateful to live where I live, though not always grateful for what happens around me. If people really want me gone, you can do a few things:

1. Send me to hell so I can enjoy the company of my fellow "non-patriots." I am ready to die, and if you don't want me here, take your own words as serious as you make them sound. 

2. Buy me a one-way ticket to Africa, a place to stay, and give me enough money that I can survive long enough to get my life in order in a new country.

3. Hire a hitman.

"You should ask Joseph Smith why he shot two people in Carthage before he died, or Captain Moroni why he fought, even unto bloodshed, why they did something so wrong."

Though I feel that this comment is comparing apples to oranges... no, apples to chimpanzees, I will say this: Joseph Smith and Moroni will be judged for the actions they committed just as much as anyone else. God has an understanding of each situation and He will judge accordingly. It is not my job to judge / condemn / justify anything... It is my job to live in a manner in which I feel is right - Which is outlined above in the "My Explanation" portion of this dissertation - and to share my beliefs as appropriate.

"Seriously with the hippie rhetoric? That dude has cost the lives of untold thousands of otherwise peaceful individuals. I celebrate his demise and am grateful for those who kicked his ass. If one man must die to prevent the death of countless others, I say he forfeits it." / This man has killed thousands. Maybe it is the "It's better than one man perish" thought. / etc...

I don't mean to be snide, but please refer to some hippie rhetoric I cherish:  http://tinyurl.com/3gr5hmw, http://tinyurl.com/3velcje

On a more serious note, may I refer you to some individuals who fit the mold of your definition of "costing the lives of untold thousands of otherwise peaceful individuals" : George Washington, Christopher Columbus, Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln. These men are revered by Americans, but took part in the GENOCIDE of entire nations of Natives. So, how is Osama Bin Laden different from George Washington?

"If people sit idle and do nothing to stand for what is right. Then evil wins. The historical records of the world which include the scriptures account of the need to defend the rights of those that can't do it for themselves. For someone that professes human rights for peoples of South Africa and elsewhere on this planet your statement suggest the ability to convince a terrorist is simply to explain to them that what they are doing is wrong. It doesn't work that way. You are quick to challenge the efforts of so many but slow to offer a solution. I'm proud of those that serve for what they believe in and defend this accomplishment. I know that this is just one of many straws that need to be pulled but at this time, this action sends the message that we care about what has happened and what we are willing to do to stand for truth. We don't live in a box."

As the one who raised me in the LDS faith, I hope you will accept my strictly LDS response:

In the Book of Mormon, there was a group of individuals who buried their weapons of war because "they fear[ed] to take them up lest by any means they should sin." These people "had rather sacrifice their lives than even to take the life of their enemy; and they have buried their weapons of war deep in the earth, because of their love towards their brethren." And though they didn't know what would happen to them, they relied on the Lord. They didn't have a solution - along with various other believers, such as Adam ("I know not, save the Lord commanded me."), Abinadi ("I finish my message; and then it amatters not whither I go, if it so be that I am saved."), and Nephi ("I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do."), who relied on their faith and the plan of God to take care of the solution.

I believe that there are solutions that don't include violence or killing. If there aren't, I believe that we will be provided for as we do the best we know.

I have respect for military men and women that are willing to risk their lives for those things in which they believe in. It takes a lot to forsake your family, friends, and belongings to put your life on the line like they do - I respect that decision.

"I don't believe these ppl that support murderers, PETER!!! I don't believe you feel this way. Where were you when the TWIN TOWERS came down killing nearly 3000 innocent ppl? Look what YOUR WHITE PPL did to my LAMANITE PPL. You are saying that this ok too?"

I am NOT saying ANY of this is ok. I am shocked and hurt that anyone would assume that I would be supporting or even ok with Osama Bin Laden or the killing of anyone. As for the Natives, please read the reply to the question 2 above this one.

Let me ask this: Do you know who Joseph Kony is? He is a man who has kidnapped tens of thousands of children, raped girls and women, murdered tens of thousands, and displaced millions. His army has probably done just as much, if not more damage than Osama Bin Laden. What have any of you done to stop him? Do you know who Philip Morris or RJ Reynolds is? They kill more people in 3 days than 9/11. The thing is, it happens EVERY THREE DAYS. It doesn't stop. What is anyone doing to stop that genocide? What about the innocent life of animals? Anyone trying to stop that torturous killing? There are countless other problems that we are ALL guilty of being a part of, so before I am criticized for being idle and supporting murderers, I ask you all to look into a mirror and criticize yourself first. What are you doing to "bring justice and reconciliation" to the lives lost and affected here?

I am sorry that people have been hurt or offended by my original comment. I did not intend for it to go this far, but that is the price you pay for having an opinion. I will not delete my post, as I still pose the question, "Why do we kill people who kill people to tell people that killing people is wrong?" I still don't think that killing Osama Bin Laden will change much, other than the unfortunate solace people find in the death of an individual. I will repost this link, for it may have been lost in this lengthy epistle (http://tinyurl.com/3gr5hmw). I apologize for its length, but I felt that the explanation was much needed. Once again, I apologize, and hope that we can all still be friends with different opinions. Thank you.

peter.moosman.

p.s. - If there are spelling errors or grammatical errors, I apologize... A lot of writing at a non-conducive hour proves to have errors. And to be quite honest... I don't want to go through and check it. :)

Timshel

My mind has been racing NON-STOP today. Spirituality, life-paths, school, and the like have all taken a turn deep underneath this nasty mop of hair on my cranium.

I shall start with the obvious: School starts tomorrow. I am both excited an nervous. Excited for what the future will bring me this semester; nervous for the responsibilities and changes that will take place throughout and at its close. You see, I am taking some (hopefully) great classes:

- American Sign Language 2010

- Human Biology

- Native American Culture

- Native American Literature & Experience

Despite the greatness of most of these classes, this is my last semester before I graduate... Then I am kinda lost on what to do. I guess we will play it by ear for a while, eh?

---

Spirituality. My favorite thing ever. It is what drives me (or kicks my butt when I am not driving). I really need to get back to where I was on my mission. It will be hard, but hey, this is the year of the Rabbit! THIS IS MY YEAR!

Anyway... The other day I read East of Eden. And when I say that I read East of Eden, I really read a two-page summary out of the Great American Bathroom Book. It was mediocre at best. BUT something really got me thinking... Timshel.

Lets go back... Way back.

So there is a little family: Adam, Eve, children. Sound familiar? Two of the kids, Cain and Abel, make offerings to God. Abel's is accepted, Cain's is not. Then God asks Cain,

"If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? And if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him." (vs. 7)

Now God mentions that he shall rule over sin. Some may interpret "thou shalt" as a promise that all men will conquer sin.

Next, we have the American Standard Version. Instead of "thou shalt rule over him," it has "do thou rule over it." This implies a commandment; an order from God. I think that this is a tad bit closer to what is correct, seeing as we are commanded to do many things. Yet, though we are commanded to do something, we are of the flesh - we are human. It is impossible in our state to succeed in such a feat as to completely rule over sin. In this case, we may find ourselves bargaining with God that "what you gave us was too hard. We were just incapable, so how could we even begin to try?"

OK, enough of me trying to make sense: I quote Steinbeck's East of Eden, 

"I wondered what the original word of the original writer had been that these very different translations could be made...

"Well, it seemed to me that the man who could conceive this great story would know exactly what he wanted to say and there would be no confusion in his statement...

"The American Standard translation orders men to triumph over sin, and you can call sin ignorance. The [KJV] makes a promise in 'Thou shalt,' meaning that men will surely triumph over sin. But the Hebrew word, the word timshel - 'Thou mayest' - that gives a choice. It might be the most important word in the world. That says the way is open. That throws it right back on a man. For if 'Thou mayest' - it is also true that 'Thou mayest not...

"Now, there are millions in their sects and churches who feel the order, 'Do thou,' and throw their weight into obedience. And there are millions more who feel predestination in 'Thou shalt.' Nothing they may do can interfere with what will be.  But 'Thou mayest!' Why, that makes a man great, that gives him stature with the gods, for in his weakness and filth and his murder of his brother he still has a great choice. He can choose his course and fight through and win."

[emphasis added]

So, here we are... in the 21st century, full of agency and consequences. This whole idea of timshel has kept me thinking... Though I have done a lot of stupid things (especially lately), and though I cannot choose the consequences of them, I can essentially choose my course and fight through and win.

2 Nephi 2:27

"Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto  man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.

I wish I had more to say myself, instead of quoting others. But I can't. All I can say is that the ball is in my court [and yours]. We get to make the choices. For too long I have been making the wrong choices, but I am ready to make the change. 

Timshel, y'all.

[P.S. - One of the best bands - ever - wrote an AMAZING song called Timshel. Check it out: Timshel, by Mumford & Sons]